Today I’m going to talk about a more sensitive subject rather than just of my adventures. My dad passed away on April 23, 2014 and my mom passed away on August 10, 2015. I wouldn’t wish anyone to go through what I have gone through in the last 16 months because I know it will be the hardest thing I will ever have to go through for the rest of my life.
I cannot begin to tell you how many people have told me how strong I am with dealing with the loss of both of my parents, but that’s what people see on the outside. In the inside, however, and when it’s just me, I’m not strong. I feel like I have to be strong (or at least look strong) because so many other people are still struggling with the loss of my mom, but I’m still struggling with the loss of both of my parents.
Moving down to Southern California will definitely make it easier on me because I’m starting fresh and also will be surrounded by friends and family, but it is also hard because being around family makes me miss my parents even more. We are planning on going on a big trip for Christmas of 2016, and all I can think about is “who will I room with?” because everyone is a pair and I always shared a room with my mom. I don’t want to exclude myself from what could potentially be super fun times and adventures with the family, but I can’t help but think of my mom and how she would enjoy that.
I’m grateful for my friends and family though because they have been there to support me during this hard time, but most of the grieving and struggle will be something I have to work through on my own for the most part. I’m an only child and have no one who truly understands what I’m going through.
I just needed to get this out and hopefully in time, I will begin to learn to deal with the loss of both of my parents. I’m thinking about how when I get married, my dad won’t be there to walk me down the aisle and my mom won’t be there when I have children. It makes me sad that they won’t get to see what would be the happiest times of my life. However, I think about people who lost parents at an even younger age, and I’m grateful for the time I did have with my parents. It’s a battle that I’m going to have to go through on my own… maybe in time I’ll talk to someone about my true feelings but I still feel like I have to be that strong person.
This post was definitely a lot more emotional than I had planned for it to be and maybe even a little all over the place, but this is my blog and I needed to get this out so that people can get a glimpse of what I’m going through and maybe try to understand what I’m going through.
To friends and family who are reading this: I love you all and am grateful for each and everyone one of you who have been there for me during my hardest times. I truly have learned who I can count during this last year and a half. I want to thank you all for being my support and even if I don’t open up completely, just give me time and I may open up once I feel like I’m able to. ♥